ParentSounds 04: Tommy Devine
How to get your baby into music and keep doing what you love (sometimes): one American papa's approach to the first year.
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So far we've spoken to parents whose creative activities include everything from bodypainting, to playing bass in an all-woman Tom Petty cover band, to running a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting social integration through the arts. You can get to know each of these amazing parents and people by reading through their interviews above.
This week, we're taking another deep dive on finding time for creative passions when you're a busy working parent who does something else for a living, whatever that "something else" might be.
Tommy Devine is a hobby guitarist and first-time papa based in the United States. He and his partner Christina are currently about 2/3 of the way through the wild and wonderful whirlwind that is the first year of parenting. As the below picture illustrates, their daughter Cecilia, not quite 8 months, is already being fully immersed in music. You love to see it!
Full disclosure on this one: Tommy and I have known each other for a long time. Our friendship has spanned a lot of topics of mutual interest - roots reggae, basketball and hip hop to name a few. So it was interesting to do this exchange on finding space for creative interests in this new phase of life we both find ourselves in, and to hear some of what Tommy has been thinking about as a newcomer to parenting. I particularly appreciated his insights around “reframing the way you think about creative pursuits” as a parent.
Here's Tommy's take on the evolution of his guitar playing; what it's been like introducing his young daughter to music; his approach to carving out creative time in a busy house; and the balancing act that all new parents must learn to navigate when it comes to figuring out who we are now.
Let's get into it!
ParentSounds: Tommy, it’s good to see you! Tell us a bit more about who you are and what kind of creative stuff you like to do.
Tommy Devine: I live with my wife and 9 month old daughter in Duxbury, Massachusetts where I grew up. Prior to that my wife and I lived in Washington, DC and New York City, which we loved. I definitely miss the proximity to great music that you get from living in the city, but we’re embracing that suburban life. Duxbury is especially nice in the summer since we’re on the coast and we have a great beach.
I played the clarinet from middle school through high school and that gave me a really solid foundation of music theory even though I wasn’t very good. I began playing the guitar when I was 12. I took some lessons, but the instrument really started to congeal when I began playing in bands. I played in one called Captain Francesca’s Lonely Walmart Greeter’s Band and another called Gross National Product. We played a lot of covers of indie rock, classic rock, and punk but we also wrote some great originals (at least in my opinion).
My skills more or less peaked sometime after college when I was living alone in DC and would play for hours. In the past couple years I’ve started making a concerted effort to improve. There’s a whole ecosystem of free guitar lessons on Youtube that didn’t exist when I was a kid (which I’m kind of glad about). I currently write one song every four or five years. My musical goals are pretty modest. I like playing with people who are better than me. I mostly just want to get good enough to play in a Grateful Dead cover band.
PS: You've played guitar for a long time - in bands when you were younger, and as a hobby for many years. How do you keep up this passion now that you have a small kid at home?
TD: It’s very easy, and in a way, tempting, to put creative pursuits on the backburner after having a child. Suddenly you find yourself focusing all of your emotional and physical energy on caring for this helpless little creature, and it can feel a bit absurd and indulgent to take time away from the family to play music.The practical, pragmatic part of your brain kicks into high gear at the expense of the creative part. Creativity is not what is keeping this little fledgling creature alive (that would be my wife, Christina ;-))
The trick to keeping the passion alive is to reframe the way you think about creative pursuits. You need to make an agreement with yourself that nurturing your creative side is not only permissible, it’s vital. I learned a long time ago that I’ll feel spiritually empty if I don’t find time to engage with art. I think of creativity as a form of self-care, like exercising and sleeping. Allowing myself that time makes me a happier person which in turn makes me a better dad and partner.
PS: What has been your approach to introducing your daughter to music since she was born?
TD: The introduction started before she was even born. We had read about some purported benefits to playing music for your baby in utero, so I would play guitar and sing to her when she was still in her mama’s belly. We went to a few concerts and festivals so she also “saw” a lot of music including Dead and Company, Joni Mitchell, Courtney Barnett, Wilco, Jason Isbell, Billy Strings, and Emmylou Harris. She’ll be hearing about those experiences from her dad for the rest of her life.
When she was just three weeks old we enrolled in a weekly music class that follows this curriculum called Music Together. It’s not intended to be educational, more of an immersion/exposure type of thing. Most of the class we’re sitting in a circle and singing along with the teacher and at one point they dump a basket of percussion instruments on the floor and it’s a free for all. It’s a really fun family activity that we do on Saturday mornings. There’s a slight hippie element but it’s also very well organized and the songs are great. You’d love it, Matt!
I recently bought a nylon string guitar at a garage sale that turned out to be perfect for playing for the baby. The sound is softer and gentler than steel string guitars. And since it’s cheap I don’t mind when she grabs the strings with her drooly hands or climbs on it. I’ve noticed she responds more to melodies than chords. She especially likes when I play the lead melody of the song Galway Girl by Steve Earle.
If it sounds like we’re going a little overboard, I get it. I mean, music class at 3 weeks old? I do hope that she develops a love for music, but I want to let her follow her own interests as she grows. If she loves some other art form or sports or computer programming instead of music, I’ll obviously support her. But yes, my thumb is on the scale. At any rate, there’s a good chance that whatever music she does like will be impenetrable to me. I’m prepared for a future where car ride soundtracks are dominated by the musical stylings of Harry Styles Jr.
PS: Tell us more about what it's like for you from a practical perspective to carve out creative time for yourself in your household.
TD: I’ll be honest, I don’t do a very good job of this. Early on, after the baby was born, I couldn’t really justify it. There’s an inherent inequality between a mom and dad’s respective baby-caring responsibilities. There’s just so much more that the mother can do for a child, especially in those early months. So my mind turned to figuring out how I could relieve some of that burden. I couldn’t live with myself if I snuck out to furtively play the guitar every time my wife breast-fed. Not when there were things I could be doing to make her life easier. I did try reclaiming some free time by staying up late. I’m sure that’s a folly that all dads probably attempt at some point, but it was a disaster.
The bigger, more complicated reason I don’t carve out creative time is because being creative is hard and scary! It’s easier to do the dishes than to do something creative. It’s not as fun or rewarding, but it’s mentally and emotionally easier. Now that the baby is sleeping through the night and going to daycare, I have a lot more time. I need to do a better job of heeding my own philosophy on the imperative of art and truly grant myself permission to pursue it. I have two books on my shelf that talk about this. One is The Artists Way which is like the gentle parenting version of artistic self-help, and the other is The War of Art which takes an unforgiving, tough love approach (it’s basically that Shia LaBoeuf “Just Do It!” video).
From a practical standpoint, I’m working on taking more “sips” of music. I probably won’t have an uninterrupted half hour, but I can string that together over the course of the day.
PS: How do you think about the importance of developing yourself while also living your double life as a parent?
TD: Double life is an interesting way to phrase it, but I think there’s something there. Trying to have it both ways and perfectly blend parenting and music won’t satisfy my creativity, and it won’t make me a better parent. It will just make me confused and indecisive. I think ultimately there are probably two separate modes and you need to toggle between the two a bit. For all the reasons mentioned above, I probably need to compartmentalize some more and commit to improving at music when I have the time. Only then can I truly combine both sides and become a Musical Superdad.
PS: Last question - how do you think being a parent has contributed to your artistic and creative interests over the years?
TD: “Daughters” by John Mayer just really speaks to me now.
Big thanks to Tommy for a fantastic interview. And thanks to you for making it to the end of this newsletter! You can see Tommy working on his Musical Superdad skills here…
…and follow his adventures on Instagram here.
If you know someone who you think we should talk to for ParentSounds, if you yourself would like to be featured, or if you have any other questions or feedback, please reach out to us at parentsounds@substack.com. We'd love to hear from you!
Before we close, I wanted to highlight one other interesting, thought-provoking Substack link which I enjoyed over the last week. I'll generally try to do this at the end of every newsletter (it won't always be about parenting):
Paternal Postpartum Depression (The New Fatherhood/Parent Data). At this point I think a good chunk of millennial parents know the name Emily Oster. She's the author of books like Expecting Better, The Family Firm, and Cribsheet. I can only say from my own personal experience that her practical, data-driven approach to figuring out parenting has brought a lot of reassurance and self-confidence both to me and to many others within my personal circle. Her Substack newsletter Parent Data is as excellent as you'd expect it to be, and I especially love the sense of community she has built around it. So I was really happy when I saw the subject line to last week's Parent Data - a guest post written by Kevin Maguire of The New Fatherhood, my other favorite parenting newsletter, covering a topic that (like most men's mental health) isn't talked about nearly enough. I really believe that if more young papas understood some of the difficult emotions of the first year — and sometimes beyond — for what they are, we'd be in a better position to address them head on. Check out Kevin's article, where he talks about some of his own experiences after the birth of his second child, and how he found his way through them.
That's all for this time. I'll leave you again this week with some more parent zen:
Thanks again for reading and see you again in two weeks!
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