ParentSounds 03: Libby Zemaitis
On gigging in an all-woman Tom Petty cover band, performing before and after kids, and guiding two 5 year-old boys as they discover music for themselves.
Good morning and welcome back to ParentSounds. Whether you are receiving this as an email in your inbox, or reading it later on via our homepage, we're happy you're here!
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This week we're speaking with Libby Zemaitis, a performing musician, climate resilience leader, and mom to twin 5 year-old boys.
One of our goals with each edition of ParentSounds is to highlight different varieties of parent creativity. Just as making a living as an artist is fundamentally different than making art as a hobby, finding extra time for creative passions as a working parent might seem daunting for those of you who already juggle family responsibilities, your day job, and everything else (if you know of any parents with extra time on their hands, please tell me their secret 😅).
But this newsletter aims to inspire, and so with this issue we're going to learn how one American mama manages to balance family time and her career working to help communities mitigate climate change with her moonlight identity as the bassist in an all-female Tom Petty cover band.
We had a really fun conversation with Libby. One of my main takeaways was the way that she and her partner Keir have managed to integrate their kids into their shared interest and passion for music. It's so easy as parents to give things up and think that we have to become somebody completely different the moment these beautiful bundles of responsibility enter our lives. So in that way it's always refreshing to see people who manage to think differently about parenting, and especially about who we all (still) are when we become parents.
That last point is very much the point of this newsletter, and so I hope this week's parent profile will inspire you as much as it inspired me.
Without further ado, I'll hand it over to Libby.
ParentSounds: Tell us a bit more about who you are and what kind of creative work you do. And tell us about the Tom Prettys!
Libby Zemaitis: Hi, I'm Libby Zemaitis and I am a performing violinist and bassist. I've been playing music pretty much my whole life, but I've been a gigging musician for around 15 years or so. I started as a classical violinist but then I realized I could play in rock bands and things started getting a lot more fun. I started playing electric bass about 10 years or so ago when I was playing violin in a country band that reinvented itself in more of a hard rock direction. I picked up the bass because they didn't need the violin anymore. And then I realized that I really like playing an electric instrument in a live setting. Plus, it’s fun to be in the rhythm section. I enjoy keeping it simple and lock in with the drummer.
Now, about the Tom Prettys. Basically it's an all-woman Tom Petty tribute band. There's five of us and we're pretty rocking. We're based here in the Hudson Valley of New York.
A few years ago I was getting into Tom Petty, I had read his autobiography and was jamming regularly to some of my favorite songs. One day I was sitting around playing The Waiting and Keir, my partner, said "hey you should start an all-woman cover band called Tom Pretty". It was a joke and it made us both laugh , but I never thought anything would come of it.
Then last year I got a voicemail which I honestly thought was a prank. It was from a woman who was asking me if I wanted to play bass in an all-female Tom Petty cover band I found out was called the Tom Prettys. It was one of these surreal universe moments. I was hesitant to join a new band while I have 3 year-old twins, life still hectic coming out of a pandemic, maybe it's not the best time or the smartest idea, but at the same time how could I say no?! Especially with that name! Â
So it's been pretty fun. I've actually never played with all women before.  Â
PS: You and your partner had been playing and performing music together, as well as in your own individual bands, for many years before having children. What was your approach to bringing your kids into this part of your life?
LZ: Music is one of the reasons I wanted to have kids. It started out being around our musician friends with kids — going to gigs around here and seeing our friends' kids running around everywhere while they were playing. There's a lot of kid-friendly venues in this area, and it was important to see they could be a part of the scene.
It was weird because leading up to having kids, I got a lot of my self identity and confidence from performing. So while we were waiting for the twins to be born, I was worried that if I wouldn't be able to do it, it would affect that part of me. But it's interesting what happens in life. Now I find that performing is not necessary for my confidence anymore. Music yes, but performance not really. It's funny how fears you have before having kids end up not being relevant anymore once you're in it. Â
So now I would say that the two of us are in divide and conquer mode when it comes to gigging. It's much easier at the moment to be involved in separate projects - it obviously makes childcare easier and gives us both some time to ourselves. But it's different because we've been in a lot of the same bands over the years. So now it's really just about supporting each other. He's very supportive of me, and I try to support him as much as I can. Most of our collaboration happens at home now, which is part of why we built a music studio in the barn behind our house. Â
Of course I miss performing together but I'm also taking a longer view. We have different combinations of activities within our family. And it's good for the kids to see us each doing our own thing – it shows them that not everything is about them, or about all of us doing everything together all the time. Â
PS: What do you see as the balance between getting your kids into instruments while also maintaining your own personal relationship with music?
LZ: It's been a process. When we were waiting for them to be born, we put most of the instruments in storage because we didn't want the kids to ruin them. We kept some crappy bongos and guitars around, and have always had our piano in the living room. Over time we've brought more and more stuff out. And then when we opened our barn studio it was the first time we could have all of our stuff out in one place, like ever. It's an adult space but they're old enough now (they turned 5 recently) that we let them in there and they understand that it's a serious place and it's primarily for us.
From the beginning we've tried to just focus on exposing them to anything and everything and not force it. You don't teach a kid architecture just because they're interested in blocks. We want them to get a feel for instruments, and then just kind of see what they gravitate toward. Â
Last year they had their first "gig" – it was completely spontaneous. We were hanging out at Kingston Point Beach, on the Hudson River, and there happened to be an open mic taking place. So Duke goes right over to the mic, climbs onto a tall stool, and proceeds to improvise a 3 minute long song about a pink mongoose. Everyone clapped. He looked around so happy and as a performer I knew exactly how he felt.Â
So of course next I looked at Will, his brother, and the emcee said do you want to go now too? He's normally the shy one, so I was thinking maybe he wouldn't want to go onstage. But he went right for it and improvised a minute-long song about finding a lucky penny. Everyone clapped just like they did for Duke. It was a beautiful moment and my most proud one as a parent.
You could say this was all out of nowhere but at the same time, we've been subconsciously training them for this by having so many instruments around all the time, and Keir is always improvising songs. So at the same time, it was also not so out of the blue.
PS: What was it like from a practical perspective, carving out time for you both to keep doing music while having twins at home? Did you have to take a break at some point?
LZ: There were definitely periods where we weren't playing or performing as much. The pandemic obviously played a role. Musicians, we want to perform. It's one of those things as a parent where you ask yourself if you're doing enough.
Since joining the Tom Prettys I've had consistent rehearsals, gigs, to the point where I am sometimes wondering if I'm asking too much of my family. I always check in with Keir and make sure it's okay to do this or that, and he usually wants me to do it if it's something I want to do.
But mom guilt is also definitely real for me. I never really felt guilty about missing things, or having FOMO before we had kids, so now I'm needing to figure out what it's like to navigate those feelings for the first time! It's always a process, days where you need more you time, other days where you need more family time. At first, sleeping in or taking a mom day, I had to give myself a pep talk to do it all. But I ultimately realized I'm not as good to anyone else unless I'm happy and I'm balanced. Â
The way my own mom used to explain it, life is like a cake and you want even(ish) slices. It can't be just all work, all play, or all kids. It's about moderation – there has to be a balance.
At the same time I'm aware of how quick time is, and this feeling of time kind of collapsing on itself since we had kids. So another main goal of mine is to not be so busy that time goes by too fast. It's so easy with kids to be busy. And I used to be the type of person to always want to have plans, to always have something to look forward to. Now I look forward to a long slow boring weekend because it means that time slows down. Â
PS: How do you think about the importance of developing yourself while also living your double life as a parent?
LZ: In terms of developing myself, there's so many instruments that I kind of play, so many that I want to play, so many half-started projects and songs. Sometimes with music I feel there is so much potential in terms of what to do that it's hard to know where to focus. Lately I realized I've been spending a lot of time with the bass and neglecting the violin a bit. At the same time I've been focusing more on singing and on learning about the recording process from Keir.
But my perspective in the last few years has also vastly shifted in terms of what's important and almost what my legacy is if you want to call it that. I've always been really into my day job and it's still important to me to work, and to do things that I feel are helping people. But now Duke and Will are my legacy, based on the type of people they become. They're going to go out into the world, and how they're raised will be reflected to some degree in what they do and how they act. If they have children, it will continue like this. So that means that the way I am with them might carry on for a very long time.
Being a parent, a lot of the development you go through is internal. You suddenly have a mirror for everything you do. You end up thinking a lot about your own parents and childhood, and reflecting on what worked well and how you could do better.
I find that for me it's important to have time to process things. It's not easy as a working parent but when I do get that time it's really important. I have these 40 minute drives to rehearsal with my band and at first I was thinking this would be an obstacle, but actually it's nice because it's when I can get some time alone to think. Â
PS: Last question - how do you think being a parent has contributed to your artistic and creative interests over the years?
LZ: This is non-music related, but I often feel that being with my kids has me being more creative in general, because I want to get them into it. Playing with them is a creative exercise. So whether it's drawing, cooking, painting, getting them to do what we ask – it's all creative! I try as much as I can to get out of that adult space of always getting things done and try to focus more on just being there with them in the moment.
In terms of music, there's so much I want to expose them to, so it has me doing things like getting out my old Suzuki books for the violin, or playing old Disney songs on the piano. I want to expose them to everything and see what they like. Â
One of the nice things about having kids is you get to have fresh eyes on almost everything. When they ask you questions you have to explain things you never thought you'd have to explain before. It's like going back to the basics. Â
Lately we've really been trying to teach them about different ways of improvising. Whether that's making up jokes, making up a song, or picking up an instrument – having them learn to improvise and be silly. Now that they're 5 and they're a little older I get to hear what's coming from that. And most of the time it's really funny! Between my kids and my partner I feel like I've built a great home entertainment system. Â
Support Libby and the Tom Prettys:
Follow @the.tomprettys on Instagram
Visit their website
Thanks again to Libby for a fantastic interview. And thanks to you for making it to the end of this newsletter!
If you know someone who you think we should talk to for ParentSounds, if you yourself would like to be featured, or if you have any other questions or feedback, please reach out to us at parentsounds@substack.com. We'd love to hear from you!
Before we close, I wanted to highlight one interesting, thought-provoking link which I enjoyed over the last week. I'll generally try to do this at the end of every newsletter (it won't always be about parenting):
What to cook when you don't feel like cooking. Regular readers of ParentSounds know that I've been on a big Substack kick lately, and while there's a mental limit to how many email newsletters I can realistically keep up with, this one serves a practical purpose. The title is quite self-explanatory, and the content has already saved me at least a half day's worth of dinner thinking and planning. So, whether you and your family are cooking enthusiasts or whether you're just looking for something to inject a bit of culinary diversity into your weekly dinner routine, take a look and enjoy it for yourself.
That's all for this time. Thanks again for reading and see you again in two weeks!
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